There are some people out there who think marrying young is a to be young dumb and in love. There is an article that is titled, “Why Getting Married In Your 20s Might Be The Worst Idea Ever”, which basically highlights exactly the mentality and generalizations that people have about getting married young, and possibly quickly.
Side Note before I get any further: I am one of those people that the picture at the beginning of this article describes. My husband and I moved rather quickly and at the time I was 21 and he was 25(maybe 26, I am a bad wife and can’t recall) and by week 3 we were saying the big L word (Love), 3 months in we were engaged and we were married a year later. We have now been together for 4 years and married for 3 and are happily married and we know that we are soul mates and this is forever.
So, where was I? Oh, yes the article that says all the reasons why my husband and I did what was, “The worst idea ever.” So, what I want to do is go through the 4 points she makes against getting married in your 20s and explain how it has not affected us or has made us stronger as a couple. If you care to read this article you can find it here.
1. You are still a baby
Funny thing here is that she addresses her audience in regards to young adults who have moved out and are presumably living on their own. I lived with my parents up until my wedding day so I never lived on my own and I have never had a roommate, unless my husband counts. Do spouses count as roommates? That’s neither here nor there, so I will press on. She says, “You probably just moved out of your parents’ home; you’re living alone for the first time; and you have no idea how you’re supposed to survive and provide yourself with food, electricity or clean clothes.” Well, that’s an interesting perspective for sure. I don’t even like the heading of her first point because I don’t know about you but I have always hated being referred to or thought of as a baby. In addition, just me personally, I don’t like being alone very much so I would hate figuring out how to survive and provide for myself with no one to come along side me. My husband did live on his own for a while, so he knew how to survive and provide for one. When we got married, for him it was just adding in one more person to the mix,and for me it was quite a change because I had never had to figure out how to survive or provide for myself. Because I had my husband there to gently and lovingly guide me into new territory it was an easier process for me. It was an adjustment but a good one. I think there is benefit in not figuring everything out before marriage. If I had, or even he had figured out the perfect balance of surviving and providing for oneself it could have made things much harder to join together. Depending upon who your talking to someone is always going to view you as a “baby”, so I feel like this point is kind of irrelevant anyways. I mean a 40 or 50 year old views a 20 year old as a baby, but then you talk to an 80 year old and they might view someone in their 30s and 40s as a baby. So, in this first argument, when are we no longer babies. There will always be something new to navigate and adjust to, so why not start out early and learn together?
2. You don’t really know what you are getting into
Really? I mean, do I even need to discuss this one?!? Haha I kid, I kid. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I read this, “Wait until you live with someone for at least four years, realize you don’t think he or she is so amazing after all and reach the point when it’s time to kiss the butterflies goodbye.” Oh, there are just so many things to say about this point….. First of all, I want to say to each their own, this is not a post about living together before marriage, perhaps I will save that for another time (Probably not because I don’t want to be too controversial), but having said that I don’t believe in living together befor marriage and even if I did I think it’s insane to sit there and live with someone that long before marriage. I get the whole idea of living together before marriage and the whole “learning each other before committing” (again disagree) but to wait 4 years seems excessive.
This image keeps popping into my head
Ha. In all seriousness, I think marriage is not something to take lightly and yes you need to know the person and their values and views and stand in agreement on the huge things, but you will NEVER know what you’re getting into. So, if you feel like I don’t want to get into something that I don’t know fully, then just go ahead and cross off marriage on your “to do” list. Another thing that is more sad than it is just a point of disagreement is where she talks about kissing the butterflies goodbye. I don’t know about you but I want to always be IN love with my husband and not just love him. I want that spark to always be there. Does it fade? Absolutely, but there are still times where he will walk in the room or kiss me just so and I melt a little on the inside and I love that we still have that, the little occasional flutters, after 4 years. I pray it’s still there in 50 years because I think it is important to keep stoking the fire and not allow that fire to burn out. I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage free from butterflies and I want to always see the amazing qualities in my spouse.
3. You have no idea what you want and you will have to compromise (a lot)
OH NO. God forbid we put someones feelings and thoughts into consideration to what we do. “It’s not all about you anymore. You won’t be able to move across the country without taking your better half into consideration. You can’t just be hungover for an entire week and not give a sh*t that someone now cares about you.” Arguably, it has never been all about you, and hopefully your parents tried to teach you that as a child. I mean for real, isn’t the whole concept of teaching your child to share to get them to understand “it’s not all about you”?!? I feel like that mentality is a childish one and if you feel like you aren’t ready to give up a little of yourself then don’t get married. And again I feel like when you get married at a younger age the compromising comes easier because you have not been set in your ways for that long and when you love someone you are willing to talk it out and come up with a compromise. This whole point is huge and I believe vital to a healthy and successful marriage. You should never stop compromising with your spouse. The opposite of compromising is being strong-willed and stubborn and I could just imagine full of ultimatums. All of which are horrible for a happy marriage. Now, I’m not saying people who are strong-willed or stubborn can’t have good marriages because they can, anyone(regardless their personality or characteristics) has the ability to have a good marriage. My husband and I can be quite stubborn and strong-willed ourselves but the key is being willing to humble yourself and realize that you do have another person to put into consideration. Also, the idea and thought that someone in their 20s couldn’t be capable of compromise is offensive to me.
4. Try focusing on your career or school
“So, here’s my advice. If you fall in love, do it wisely. Do yourself and the world a favor and don’t get married — at least not yet. Start doing whatever you want, go wherever you want and stay for as long as you want. You will have the rest of your life to hopefully spend with someone you put on a pedestal.” Anyone who says to “fall in love wisely has so painfully and obviously never fallen in love. I mean seriously that sentence just makes me laugh and agitates me all at the same time. For me, love is not a cold and calculated thing and it was not something that I wanted to view that way. Even the end of this sentence drips with negative connotation and is even derogatory, the whole pedestal thing gets to me a bit. As if that’s not enough, before that she says, “You can have a baby and be housewife after you’ve achieve something for yourself, which will provide you with the one thing no d*** husband in the world will be able to give you: independence!” This is the most insulting thing to me, as if marriage and having a child is not something to view as an achievement or something to be proud of…..I’m sorry, WHAT?!? I think its nice in all if you think you need to do all these things and achieve a career or finish school before love and I will never knock someone for wanting to wait to get married until they have done those things. But don’t you dare sit there and try to belittle someone for wanting to achieve and be proud of getting married and having a child to raise. School and careers can certainly be important, but for some people it is not the main focus. I was in school, I could have said you know what I have all these things I want to do first so I’m not going to look for love right now. However, I was someone who longed to get married and have a family and be a stay-at-home mom and home school. Why is there anything wrong with me not placing my value and achievement in what degree I received or the career I chose. In fact, I did choose a career, a career in raising my children.
The last thing she says is, “If you think you have to prove to the world you are so in love by marrying young, ask yourself why on earth you need a piece of paper to be happy. Unless you are marrying a billionaire who’s stupid enough to not have you sign a pre-nup, there is absolutely no reason to get married so early! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” So, what that last sentence says to me is, “If you marry young it will probably end in divorce”. I pity the woman who wrote this because it seems so painfully clear that she has never experienced true love and so I am sad for her that she doesn’t realize how beautiful love can truly be when you find that special one. I am also agitated with her that she assumes her view is superior and she believes she is “telling it like it is”, but she is discouraging people on something she doesn’t even know about and hasn’t even experienced on a personal level.
Love does not have an age limit and I think marriage is such a beautiful thing and I do NOT think that just because you are young doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry someone. Sometimes,when you know you know, and whose place is it to question that? I think self-evaluation is important and marriage is intended to be “til death do you part” so while I disagree with her stance on these 4 points, I believe they are great questions to ask yourself when considering marriage. If you agree with her on these points then marriage is probably something that should come later down the line. If you agree with the things I said then I give you a hearty congratulations and say GO FOR IT! Whatever choice you make is right for you, and I don’t know you well enough, nor do I care to tell you what you should do because that is for you and your significant other to work out.