Disclaimer: Before I start this post I want to start out by saying this is strictly my opinion and I am generalizing divorce. I absolutely believe in separation of divorce when their is spousal or child abuse and even some cases of adultery (when it goes unrepentant and the spouse has not intention of turning from his/her ways and making amends).
So last night I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I saw someone posted this article called, “11 Reasons Men Leave Their Marriages”, if you want to read this article click here. The title alone made me sad but then as I read the reasons these men gave I became even more sad and it just caused me to want to share some of my thoughts and feelings on this issue. I apologize in advanced if this becomes a rant post.
As I read through the reasons these men gave for giving up on their marriage it was equally sad as it was eye opening. There is real hurt and in reading this list it causes me to be more sensitive and aware of my husband and his feelings and needs and reminds me that a healthy and happy marriage takes hard work and dedication. I really feel like the problem with my generation is that somehow people have become expendable. The attitude of so many young adults is, “I’ll give the marriage thing a go, but no pressure, if it doesn’t work out we can just get a divorce and start over from scratch. I hate that this is the mentality that people have adapted and I shutter to think about how much worse it will be when my son is old enough to get married. However, what separates me from this mentality is not “good morals and standards”, but rather my desire to hold true to God’s word and live out my marriage as He intended it. Mark 10:6-9 says, “ But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Romans 7:2 says, “For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage.”
So, according to the Word of the Lord marriage is intended to be a covenant that is made between you, your spouse, and the Lord “until death do you part.” The vows that you say on your wedding day are not meant to be void of any meaning, they are supposed to be binding words, promises that you are making not just to your spouse but to the Lord above. This is not a light hearted matter, and I truly believe that marriage was never intended to be something light, but rather something weighty that should require a lot of thought, discussion (between you and your future spouse), and prayer. Before my husband and I got married we spent a lot of time having discussions about everything we could think of and we said before we were even engaged that when we say “I Do” it would be the end all, be all. We agreed that marriage would not be an option for, we were not keeping that in the back pocket as a back-up plan for if the weather got too bad, or we just didn’t seem to get along as well as we once had. We made a decision that we would work things out no matter what. I really feel like if you want to have a successful marriage and a healthy one it requires work not just while your married but before marriage as well. Before marriage you need to be putting forth the effort to really get to know your significant other. Do you agree with each other on how to raise your children? How many children? Are you both going to work? Do you plan to be a stay-at-home mom and wife once the kids come along? Do you both share the same beliefs? Do you trust him/her with everything? Do you feel safe with him/her?
Really take the time and effort to ask these questions before you enter into a marriage which is intended to be forever. Take however long it takes for you to know that you know that you know. In reading that article I mentioned there were two reasons listed that I just couldn’t help thinking if they had really discussed these things before marriage they would have realized that changed needed to be made or the relationship just wouldn’t work. Those two reasons were, “When he disagreed with her on how they’d raise their future children.”, and “When he realized that having hobbies of his own was off-limits.” In fact I think I would even throw this one in there, “When he decided to put his daughter first.” I don’t want to give definitive statements because I don’t know these men or their entire life story, just the 4 or 5 sentences regarding their divorce in an article. Having said that, I would venture to say that some of these things really could have been discussed and worked out prior to the marriage and for the last one about his daughter, yes your children are so very important which in my opinion is why he should not have rushed into his 2nd marriage, and now divorce.
Many of the other reasons that were listed really stemmed from issues of the heart and it is so sad. Here are a couple of the reasons listed: “When he had the commute from hell and she didn’t care.” “When he realized she didn’t believe in his dreams.” “When his wife became a glorified roommate.” These are things that can happen all too easily when the excitement and lovey dovey newlywed feelings have started to dissipate, especially when you add in the busyness of children and life with children. My pastors wife actually does some blogging and she wrote a post about marriage and the struggle with having a healthy sex life, which is a whole other thing but I love that she mentioned the need to date each other again. She says, “Make time for weekly date nights where you get can to know each other again. Surprise each other. Hug and kiss when you meet after work (especially in front of the children!). Take wisdom from Martin Luther: ‘Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”” To read her blog post called, ” The Marriage Bed for the Exhausted Wife” click here. I would venture to say that a leading cause of divorce is SELFISHNESS! We feel neglected and hurt by our spouse and instead of lovingly coming to them and searching for a way to reconcile and heal the hurt it is easier to, in a way, put out the finger and say, “See Ya” and just try again. Not me, not my husband, we have made a vow to each other and to the Lord to stick with one another through thick and thin, and the good times and the bad. We may only have 3 years under our belt, but I know there are many more years to come and we will persevere.